Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
what’s the point then??
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not