I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
guys i’ve cracked the code
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.