Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
is this meant to deter me
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.