Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking