Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Finally!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …