Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
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liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god