Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
this is how life feels
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.