*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
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This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.