A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
You Might Also Like
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Pigeon open mic night.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.