*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.