Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
There are no pants in heaven.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
one of
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*