Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
You Might Also Like
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.