Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
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[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
the three branches of government
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one