I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
You Might Also Like
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”