My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Favourite diary entry ever
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Catering service
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.