I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”