Reporter: *ports again*
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch