I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who