My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!