Warm pools make me nervous.
You Might Also Like
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Whoa 😂
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)