My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I thought this was funny lol
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”