Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
no cat here
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store