I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Now this is how you LinkedIn
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong