FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.