I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”