ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.