My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
u spoke cat all this time??????
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?