The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”