I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?