i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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HERE’S MARKY
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.