Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
You Might Also Like
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.