[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
You Might Also Like
Carpe DM
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
a fate I wish upon no one
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Breaking news:
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.