And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Bring back the McRib
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.