A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …