mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”