Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
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Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
shut up and take my money
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.