My birth announcement for our third baby
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The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
i dont have time for this
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.