This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
What my back needs
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
🍞🦆
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.