Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
You Might Also Like
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.