I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute