Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Boy never ceases to amaze me
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home