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Time is precious, waste it wisely.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
When I ask if I can pet somebody鈥檚 dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there鈥檚 no dog. Oh no we鈥檙e walking in the same direction too
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I鈥檓 not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I鈥檇 warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband鈥檚 closet:
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We鈥檙e all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It鈥檚 no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I鈥檓 on my way home.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Kevins first time outside 馃槶 he was absolutely bewildered
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Just know, if I鈥檝e asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it鈥檚 coming out as an unhinged shout.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.