Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
You Might Also Like
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
m’lady
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting