when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this