I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
girls literally only want one thing..
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
😩😩😩
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.