Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on