*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
You Might Also Like
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.