In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.