[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Warm pools make me nervous.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.