absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Haha good job!!
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow